Last night I attended a women’s circle in Dunedin. We slow danced around candlelit rugs, held mugs of hot chai tea, savoured bliss balls and listened. As each sister spoke we listened in silence—no response, no words of comfort or advice.
Too often when a friend confides in us, we’d start forming things in our head to say before they’ve fully poured their hearts out. Last evening though, we honour the sacredness of listening.
A beautiful Maori poem was shared, someone sang, some tears shed. We were guided to contemplate on forgiveness. I honestly was quite nervous then; these women had knew each other for years and I was just passing by.
A quote that I came across a few days ago came to mind. I was tramping quite a lot in New Zealand, and often felt bad thinking that my footsteps were hurting the grass, flowers and bugs. Reading this quote comforted me and I find it powerful—
“Forgiveness is the scent a flower gives off when it’s crushed.”
Forgiveness is beautiful. Forgiveness smells good, mmhmm. Forgiveness transcends hurt to make the world lovelier. Forgiveness reminds me of my mother’s unconditional love.
As I sat in the circle though I realised, through the stories shared, that women tend to forgive like flowers, even if we get stressed and hurt in the process. It got me a bit upset; because suddenly all the weights that I voluntarily carried for years were magnified.
Many women (I speak not for all) forgive others quite easily but towards oneself it is hard to be okay with not being able to fix everything, often feeling a tinge of guilt for not saying “yes” to requests, apologising for not being both sensitive and strong at every moment. Then again, this could just be my internal turmoil that I’m sharing aloud, I reflected. Women’s circles always subtly facilitate deep self-enquiry.
All I know then was, when we are asked to forgive someone we often look around us. The women in the circle were forgiving others, few themselves. We forget that the most important person to forgive is ourselves—to strip away guilt and the weight of the world, to be a little selfish at times.
Know that love can be the hand that crushes the flower.
From another perspective, if you’ve been hurt recently, or know that you’ve hurt someone with your words and hold guilt in your heart, this may soothe. Hurting actions can be borne out of love. Love is complex. Perhaps you loved another person so much it became attachment. Perhaps a lesson is needed for the flower to grow.
I shared this in the circle, which I’m certain it mirrored a deep-seeded guilt for my spontaneous one-way ticket to New Zealand: “Perhaps you are loving a brand new life, a different ‘you’ so very much, you leave somebody who needed you. Forgive yourself for loving (someone, yourself included) too much.”
And so in short, know that in most situations that require forgiveness and healing, there was always love to begin with. This observation reverberated in the circle; I found that comforting.
SHENAYOGA 